In every PDA family, there are moments when a PDAer (a person with a Persistent Drive for Autonomy which overwhelms their nervous system) suddenly pushes back – hard. They might snap, mock, refuse, storm off, or say something that sounds deeply unkind. These moments can feel personal, challenging, or really confusing.
But many of these behaviors are not actually about defiance or disrespect.
They are often levelling behaviors. These are what Kristy Forbes describes as equity-seeking behavior or attempts to ‘even the playing field’ with an adult or peer when a PDAer feels overwhelmed, powerless, or disconnected. (At PDANA, they often call this equalizing!)
Understanding this lens changes everything.
Levelling behavior is not about control. It’s about protection. It’s a young person saying:
“I feel too small right now, so I need to bring you closer to my level.”
Why PDAers Level
Levelling behaviors often appear when a PDAer senses:
- An unspoken hierarchy
- You’re the adult, you have all the power
- Vulnerability
- I might get in trouble, You’re disappointed in me
- Overwhelm
- This work is too hard, Too much noise, Too many demands
- Disconnection
- You don’t understand me, I don’t feel safe right now
- Shame
- I made a mistake, I don’t want you to see me struggle
When their nervous system spikes into survival mode, the young person instinctively tries to reduce the power gap. If they can bring the adult down (through insults, mockery, refusal), or bring themselves up (through bravado, exaggeration, threats), the dynamic feels more manageable.
It’s reactive. It’s protective. And it’s often unconscious.
Common Levelling behaviors
Levelling behaviors are not a sign of poor character or choice. They are responses to stress.
They can show up through words or actions and may intensify when early cues are overlooked or misunderstood.
These behaviors are reactive and protective in nature. PDAers use them in moments where they feel overwhelmed, unsafe, powerless, or disconnected. They are often an attempt to regain control or restore a sense of safety.
1. Verbal Levelling
Attempts to regain control through language.
- Name-calling, e.g. “You’re stupid,” “You’re mean”
- Personal insults
- Rejection statements, e.g. “I hate you,” “You’re not my teacher”
- Blame-shifting, e.g. “You made me do it!”
- Threats, e.g. “I’m never coming back,” “I’ll run away”
- Mocking or mimicking tone
- Sarcasm or dismissiveness
- Calling for a “better” adult, e.g. “I want someone else”
- Exaggeration, e.g. “Everyone hates me”
- Public calling-out of an adult or peer
2. Relational Levelling
Attempts to break or avoid connection.
- Using humour/silliness to deflect
- Over-confident bravado, e.g. “Whatever,” “I don’t care”
- Withdrawing or shutting down
- Walking away or turning away sharply
- Destroying connection attempts, e.g. rejecting help, pushing away comfort
3. Boundary-Testing Levelling
Checking: Are you still safe if I push harder?
- Rapid “no” cycle
- Tone escalating quickly
- Defiant refusal, e.g. “You can’t make me!”
4. Physical Levelling
Expression of overwhelm through movement or disruption.
- Knocking items off tables
- Pushing over chairs
- Slamming doors/cupboards
- Snapping pencils or breaking small items
- Throwing objects
- Breaking items (their own or others’)
- Scratching or scribbling on surfaces
- Kicking furniture
- Pulling down displays
- Hiding or discarding household items
- Dumping trays, boxes, or resources
- Damaging their own belongings
- Breaking shared materials
- Physical aggression against others
These are often last-resort behaviors when a young person with PDA no longer has the internal resources to communicate their needs safely.
What Levelling Is Not
Levelling is not:
- A deliberate attempt to upset you
- A sign that a child with PDA doesn’t care
- Evidence of poor motivation
- “Manipulation”
- young people in distress don’t scheme, they react
- Solved by punishment or power struggles
Levelling is a signal for help.
How Adults Can Respond Without Escalating
PDAers often level because they feel small. We do not help them feel bigger by making ourselves bigger.
Safe adult responses:
Stay steady:
Your calm nervous system is the intervention.
Reduce the hierarchy
The young person needs to feel “with,” not “under.”
You can do this by:
- Sitting instead of standing over them
- Moving slowly and quietly
- Using warm, neutral language
- Offering choices rather than commands
Protect their dignity
Shaming or calling out levelling behavior deepens the disconnect.
Acknowledge the feeling, not the behavior
“You’re having a really hard moment,”
not
“You’re being rude.”
Offer connection before correction
Support now, teach later.
Don’t personalize the words
The child is fighting the feeling, not you.
Why Understanding Levelling Matters
When we recognize levelling as a stress response, we shift from reactive discipline to relational safety.
A person who understands levelling might think:
- “They’re overwhelmed, not oppositional.”
- “They’re seeking safety, not hurting me.”
- “My steadiness matters more than my authority.”
- “They’re trying to protect their dignity.”
This perspective helps us adults stay connected even in challenging moments. And this also helps students with PDA learn that they don’t need to tear someone down or push them away to feel safe.
When we meet levelling with compassion, we transform behavior into belonging.
Thank you for learning about the community,
Laura Hellfeld
RN, MSN, PHN, CNL
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Disclaimer: The information shared in this blog is for informational purposes only and is not intended to replace medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Please consult a licensed healthcare provider for personalized support and care tailored to your specific needs.
PDA North America is a 501(c)(3) non-profit organization that has supports and resources for Pathological Demand Avoidance/ Pervasive Drive for Autonomy. We provide resources for families, professionals and PDA individuals. Please consider a donation to allow us to better support PDA individuals.
