By Sunita Theiss
My son often starts the morning by telling me that he’s bored.
I have a feeling his brain is frequently dopamine-seeking and novelty-driven, and I’ve learned that sometimes our regular breakfast routine or doing schoolwork will just not do the trick.
I’d like to get better about planning ahead, and specifically building in multiple backup plans. But this is a skill I personally struggle with, too. I also need novelty and I struggle to make plans. I feel like I’m constantly reacting to life happening to me, despite my best efforts and all of the planners, tools, and tricks I’ve thrown my money and time at for decades. It’s honestly exhausting.
Many well-meaning people have given me advice about overcoming laziness or addressing a lack of discipline. This often creates more shame than anything else. It’s usually due to a combination of executive function, demand avoidance, and/or fluctuating capacity—I’m not lazy, and neither are my kids. I’m also pretty sleep-deprived in this season of parenting. In these moments, my anxiety often takes over and proclaims, “It is going to ruin your life if you do this incorrectly, so get it right or don’t do it at all,” and then I just can’t do it.
I’ve had some of the people closest to me in the world look at me with tenderness and concern as they say, “I don’t know why you’re like this.” Or “I don’t understand why you can’t do this like everyone else/the rest of us.” I’ve consulted professionals and been dismissed with something like, “but you’re so successful and so high achieving.” I’ve said, “Yes, AND most of my accomplishments are fueled by adrenaline and fear of disappointing others.”
When we first started homeschooling, I expected us to have a more conventional, primarily analog experience. Even though it didn’t align with my own needs, I imagined each day would look similar in form and structure. I resisted using “too much” technology or otherwise outsourcing aspects of teaching. I don’t know why this was what I believed I should do, but that was the expectation I’d set for myself.
Many tears have been shed throughout this process, sometimes by all parties involved. There have been seasons where the kids and I kept finding our way to exasperatedly watching TV while I tried to regroup and pivot. I put so much pressure on myself.
But once I embraced and leaned into the fact that novelty is what drives this fantastic little human’s brain and body forward, peace and joy became a regular part of our learning experience. Silly, slapstick, occasionally scatological humor holds his interest better than my standard worksheets or corny ideas ever could.
I suspect that when my son says he’s bored, he just doesn’t yet have the tools to articulate, “Mommy, my brain cannot do this right now. I need something else.” I am trying to do a little self-reflection and think of what I would have needed to feel safe enough to say out loud, “Hey, grownup. I desperately want to do the things that I have signed up to do today, but there’s a disconnect, and it’s making me viscerally uncomfortable.”
As I contemplate what meeting this need can look like for our family, we continue to change things up, including where we sit, how we sit, if we sit, and even the avenues for learning. No two days look the same. But every day I’m reminded that by surrendering my expectations, increasing my flexibility, and leaning into novelty and wonder, I can better enjoy the time we spend together. I’m noticing our tolerance for the “boring” work continues to expand, too.
Practically, this often means that we leverage the help of YouTube deep dives, in-person activities with our homeschool community, lots of nature walks, digital learning apps, reading lots of books, the (very) occasional worksheet, and more. It isn’t perfect, but I believe we’re on the path to truly embracing and enjoying learning in all its forms.
And I think that’s the point, isn’t it?
Sunita Theiss is an autistic + ADHD mom of neurodivergent kids. Multiple members of her family identify with PDA, and she completed the PDA North America Level 1 program in 2023. A child of Indian immigrants, Sunita was born and raised in Georgia. She is a poet and writer, and has had an extensive career in marketing and communications. She is currently in a season of downshift in her career to be more hands-on with her family and homeschool her children. Connect with her on Instagram, Substack, or in the PDA Georgia Facebook group.
