As a parent to two PDA children, I can’t even recall how many times I’ve been judged for how I parent them through a PDA-affirming lens. And even after spending time educating my friends and family, I’m often asked, “But what about when they become adults?! The world isn’t going to accommodate them like you do!”
While it triggers me to hear them say this, I don’t blame them for asking. I know that the way I parent my kids probably looks very different from what they’re used to. And I understand why they worry that not giving them traditional consequences will mean they grow up thinking they can do whatever they want. I used to think the exact same way before I learned about PDA and started accommodating my children through the lens of a nervous system difference.
A PDA nervous system responds to everyday demands, expectations, and perceived loss of autonomy differently than most people’s. And I can identify with this deeply. I grew up with all these things as an internalized pda child and had NO trust built in my household. I hated all consequences and every punishment I received only made me push back more and further derailed my relationship with my parents. It taxed my nervous system more and more and more and I acted out more and more.
When my kids become aggressive or explosive, It’s because their nervous systems are overwhelmed and they can’t yet regulate their responses consistently.
It doesn’t mean I think the behavior is ok. It’s not ok to break a tablet, throw things at me, throw food off the table, or be physically agrressive with anyone.
But I do believe how I respond to the behavior matters enormously. And I don’t look at the act as bad behavior – I look at it as an overwhelmed nervous system in fight-or-flight and a child that has zero access to their thinking brain in that moment.
Traditional punishment assumes that a child has the ability to control their behavior in the moment and simply needs motivation to make a better choice.
But when a PDA kid (or adult for that matter!) is in fight-or-flight mode, adding punishment, shame, threats, or more demands can actually increase their sense of danger. Instead of learning self-control, they become even more dysregulated. I spent my entire childhood in fear of being in trouble. Because I was an internalizer, so instead of fighting back outwardly, I snuck around, broke every rule I could without getting caught. I taught myself to be the biggest and best liar and cheater of all time. When my mom grounded me, I snuck out the window after she went to sleep. When I was too afraid to act out at home or school because of the conesequences that would come my way, I taught myself to cheat on every single thing in school. By the time I was 16, I was a master of disguise. But none of this was healthy for me. None of of the punishments or consequences I faced made me “learn” anything other than how to be a better cheater and liar. And I had a terrible relationship with my parents that was based on lies and zero trust or respect. Not to mention a complete lack of autonomy.
I like think about it this way. If someone is terrified and panicking, threatening them with consequences won’t teach them how to stop panicking. They first need to feel safe enough to regain control, and that’s what accommodation does for my kids. When I was young I had zero control awarded to me by my parents or teachers – so I did everything I could behind their backs to gain my own control. And it led me down a very dark path that could have ended up way worse than it did. I’m honestly lucky to be alive.
When I lower demands, offer flexibility, respect my kids autonomy, and help them regulate, I don’t feel I’m teaching them that they can get away with anything. I’m creating the conditions where their brains can actually learn.
I believe regulation comes before reasoning. Creating connection creates opportunities for their learning. And giving them felt safety makes growth possible.
In moments of regulation, I do still teach my kids that hurting people isn’t okay. I still protect other people when they are physically aggressive. I may not foce apologies, but I still help my kids understand the impact of their actions when they don’t understand, and encourage them to make repairs when they can and what repair can look like.
But I don’t believe that shaming them or making them suffer after they’ve already lost control teaches them the skills they were missing during the “bad behavior.”
I don’t want my children to grow up learning that the people who love them will become threatening, punitive, or rejecting when they’re struggling the most. Or that they are conditionally loved.
I want them to learn that good relationships are safe, that difficult emotions can be managed, that mistakes can be repaired, and that they can trust the people around them to help them develop those skills.
I like to tell those around me that my goal isn’t obedience today. It’s slowly teaching them about emotional regulation, accountability, empathy and healthy relationships.
I know their PDA meltdowns can be downright scary. It scares me too sometimes. But I hope people understand understand that I’m not ignoring it by accommodating them and not punishing them for their actions. I’m trying to address what’s underneath it, rather than simply punish the behavior I see on the surface.
And accommodating them doesn’t mean I expect everyone else to tolerate being hurt.
Safety matters for everyone, as does autonomy.
I don’t need my friends and family to understand everything about PDA right now and accept it all overnight. But I do hope they can recognize that what looks like permissiveness from the outside may actually be thoughtful parenting designed around what my children are neurologically capable of handling. And I can assure you it’s a LOT harder than traditional parenting would be.
I’m not raising kids without boundaries. I’m helping my children develop the capacity to live within boundaries without constantly feeling threatened by them, while giving them the capacity to exist in the outside world without bringing these behaviors into it.
Ruth Hevelone serves as Director of Strategic Growth & Marketing for PDA North America. A late-diagnosed internalized PDA autistic mom raising twin PDAers, Ruth brings both lived experience and a fierce commitment to advocating for greater understanding, acceptance, and support of PDA individuals and their families.
Ruth has more than 15 years of experience in marketing and small business management, including much of her career in New York City. She now lives in her home state of Indiana, where she is grateful to be close to family. Outside of her work and advocacy, Ruth enjoys yoga, swimming, and spending quality time with her family.
