PDAers are wired to resist perceived control, so boundaries feel safer than rules because they’re not about dominance — they’re about relationship and mutual safety. Boundaries are about what’s within our own control. They do not exert control on others. They are not a path for changing someone else’s behavior. Setting boundaries in PDA parenting is not about asserting control—it’s about offering stability, predictability, and modeling self-respect.
As a parent of two PDA children myself, I know that figuring out how to set boundaries with PDA children can feel like an impossible task. When you have a child with an extremely reactive nervous system, and nearly anything can be a perceived threat at times, it’s easy to get lost in low demand parenting feeling like we have to let our kids get away with anything, in effort to protect their overactive nervous systems and save yourself from another meltdown. There have been so many days of feeling like – how do I even parent if I don’t set rules?! This is where learning more about boundary setting vs rules has saved our communication within our household.
Lowering demands does not mean removing boundaries.
Here’s what I like to remind myself:
- A rule says: “Here’s what you must do, or else.”
- A boundary says: “Here’s what I need to feel safe / respected / regulated.”
And here’s a simple example in practice:
-
A rule often sounds like: “You cannot scream at me like that in my house!” (Implied: Or else you’re in trouble.)
-
A boundary sounds like: “It’s okay to be upset but I’m not able to listen when voices are that loud. Let’s find a way to talk that works for both of us when you feel calmer.” (It protects the adult’s limits without controlling the child’s emotional expression.)
Traditional parenting approaches often backfire with PDA children, and are often focused on controlling the behavior of the child from a top-down (often inflexible) way, that often comes with an expectation and punitive measures. In my house, we’ve learned to have boundaries, not rules – with a focus on protection of needs, feelings and safety through the lens of a relational, respectful and flexible tone. We aim for collaboration with our children when possible, while still stating personal limits of needs in the moment.
Some days a personal boundary can look like me removing myself from the room/house momentarily because I cannot handle the screaming, and some days it can look like me prompting one child to go to their bedroom to remain safe while the other one is having a meltdown. When things were particularly challenging one week, we set a safe boundary for all of us by removing all potted plants within reach, taking all framed pictures within reach off the wall, hiding all knives and sharp objects, and taking any hard objects out of the play room and only leaving soft objects behind-essentially removing anything on the first floor of the house that we didn’t want broken. The boundary was to keep everyone safer, not to control my child’s nervous system response. Not all days are this intense, but when they are, we now know how we can set boundaries instead of trying to enforce unrealistic rules that will only further escalate a child in distress.
Boundary setting has been one of my biggest PDA parenting struggles to date having multiple PDA children (twin PDAers!). I’ve also realized I’ve had to set more boundaries for others in my life because I set so few with my children. (One of the many sacrifices of parenting PDA children!)
I wanted to put together some examples of boundary-setting with my PDA kids that may help your family. These examples don’t exert power, but still create structure and safety while respecting your child’s in-born need for autonomy.
Instead of saying:
“You can’t yell at me like that!”
You can say:
“I’m interested in your perspective, but if you’re yelling at me, I will take a break and come back to the conversation when we’re both calm.”
Instead of saying:
“You can’t treat your sibling like that!”
You can say:
“I can’t let anyone get hurt but I see you’re really upset—can we work together on way to show your feelings safely?”
Instead of saying:
“You can’t do that-You’ll get hurt!”
You can say:
“That’s not safe and my job is to keep you safe. Let’s figure out something that feels just as exciting but keeps everyone okay.”
Instead of saying:
“Stop running! Get back here right now!”
You can say:
“I can’t let you go further because it’s not safe. Want to stomp like dinosaurs back to the sidewalk?”
Instead of saying:
“You cannot hit me/throw that at me! Stop!”
You can say:
“It’s okay to be this mad. It’s not okay to aim it at people. Let’s figure out what your body needs.”
If you are parenting a teen PDAer, some of this can be more challenging, especially if you’ve spent years trying to coerce and correct what you thought was just bad behavior. An offering I have is to try to use phrases that reduce shame and increase agency:
- “Do you want space or company?”
- “I can help, or I can just be nearby.”
- “You’re not in trouble. This is about keeping people safe, not blaming you.”
- “You matter. Let’s figure out how to get through moments like this together.”
With your teen’s input, you can come up safe exit strategies that include:
- Where they can go when overwhelmed
- What’s okay to say or do to avoid escalation (I know many PDA families who allow their children to curse at home to help express themselves in moments of escalation, just saying!)
- What supports they want (music, movement, food, dark room, etc.)
When they help build the safety plan, they’re more likely to use it.
Overall, if you can focus on safety-first, non-power-based, connection-focused language, you’ll be surprised at what a difference it can make in a short time. By focusing on connection over coercion you can help build a stronger relationship with your PDA child, one focused on collaboration and trust.
PDA North America is a 501(c)(3) non-profit organization that has supports and resources for Pathological Demand Avoidance/ Pervasive Drive for Autonomy. We provide resources for families, professionals and PDA individuals. Please consider a donation to allow us to better support PDA individuals.
