by Keri Schouten, PDAer & Parent Coach
Sometimes, equalizing behavior for PDA’ers can manifest in what I think of as “impossible demands.” This is when the child (or adult!) demands something that is largely impossible for others to provide without monumental effort. And you may even find that if you agree to make that monumental effort, it’s still not enough, and the goalposts get moved so the demand or goal remains impossible to meet.
In terms of viewing this behavior through the PDA lens of autonomy seeking, this “I want to control you/ push you/ argue with you” is considered an “equalizing behavior” in that when a PDA’er doesn’t feel good in some way internally, doesn’t feel confident in their autonomy, they will seeks to more strongly control the environment and push against those around them, to balance the internal instability or powerlessness.
This can also look like someone who seems to be “looking for a fight,” or just constantly focused on complaining. “Nothing is ever good enough” can start to feel like the family norm. A PDA’er might be labeled selfish, lazy, or lacking in empathy for being so demanding, and so focused on arguing with others.
“Impossible demands,” or everyday complaining in general, provide a golden opportunity to proactively equalize and co-regulate. It has been helpful for me when I see this behavior to think of it as “actively seeking verbal co-regulation”.
This “control seeking/ “unreasonable” demands” behavior can easily turn into an escalating and flooded argument if the person they demand something of disagrees or refutes. They then get more upset and very quickly become flooded with emotion. If instead, we respond with a focus on agreeing, on seeing this conversation as an opportunity for back and forth banter that leads to a steady verbal co-regulation, maybe redirecting them to a related but slightly different topic, then they can leave such a conversation feeling satisfied and understood, rather than thwarted and frustrated, even though they are no closer to getting the “impossible thing” they demanded must happen.
Example:
6yo PDA’er: I want us to have a puppy. In the classroom.
Me (his teacher): A PUPPY, oh my goodness I do love puppies, they’re so cute.
6yo PDA’er: yeah, we should get one, right NOW.
Me: What kind of puppies do you like?
6yo PDA’er: only the puppy that was in that one movie, he needs to look just like that.
(I repeat a lot.. usually to stall for time and think about how else I can agree, and when I can’t think of anything to say, it keeps the rhythm of the conversation going.)
Etc.
And this conversation, where I agree with them about the puppy and their desire for a puppy and how awesome puppies are, and how fun it would be, and how YES we should try to convince the school to get us a puppy, let’s write a letter! Let’s play a game about buying puppies! This conversation might last ten minutes, and it might reoccur throughout the whole day. I don’t need to say “yes, let’s go get a puppy!” in order for them to feel more stable, connected, satisfied, and in control. Internally they are feeling validated and “heard”, rather than shot down with a quick response like, “sorry, we can only have tadpoles and butterflies”. Such a response inevitably results in instant frustration, instant flooding.
These conversations can occur all day long with PDA’ers in times of stress, and my goal is to always see “impossible demands” as “opportunities for accommodation and co-regulation”, and consistently find my way to agreement instead of using fighting words like “no, of course we can’t have a puppy” and “not right now” and “there are no dogs allowed at school, don’t be silly” or “I already answered that”. Or trying to convince them butterflies are good enough, and we should be grateful for them.
Anything that disagrees or tries to change their mind, or convince them getting a puppy isn’t possible is going to activate that “I’m being pushed so I need to push back harder” PDA’er stress response. These demands/ responses/ debates are often small, and often don’t amount to much in the moment, but I believe they are real hits on a PDA’ers autonomy and sense of connection, and have an outsized impact in terms of stress. And so it’s been a goal of mine to minimize disagreement and conflict, and to really focus on accommodating the need to have frequent conversations, and to collaborate about “impossible” requests and work through their ideas.
