It can feel really scary to have a child who lies frequently, especially when those lies seem completely unnecessary. Many parents find themselves spiraling: What does this mean about my kid? Are they going to grow up dishonest or manipulative? Am I failing to teach them right from wrong? It’s a heavy feeling.
But here’s the truth: for PDA kids, lying isn’t a character flaw. It’s a nervous system strategy. When we understand the why behind the lie, everything starts to shift. We stop seeing a child who’s trying to get away with something and start seeing a child who’s trying to stay safe. And when that happens, we can start showing up in a whole new way, with less fear, more trust, and a path forward that actually strengthens the relationship.
3 Thoughts on Lying as a Protective Mechanism
1: Lying isn’t a moral failure, it’s a nervous system strategy.
Lying is one of many instinctive strategies your child’s nervous system might use when they feel trapped. Whether they’re trying to avoid a task, prevent a conflict, or steer clear of something that feels overwhelming, the purpose isn’t to deceive you; it’s to protect themselves. For PDAers, lying can also be a way to level the playing field when they feel “beneath” others, with their brain responding instinctively to try and regain a sense of control. Either way, it’s not a moral issue, it’s a survival response.
2: The more trapped a kid feels, the more likely they are to lie.
Lying often shows up when demands feel too big. For PDA kids, lying isn’t about being deceptive for deception’s sake; it’s about finding a quick exit from a situation that feels threatening. If they fear they’ll be judged, corrected, or punished for telling the truth, their brain may decide that bending reality is safer than facing the consequences. In these moments, the lie becomes a shield, not a weapon. The more we understand that, the more we can meet our kids with compassion.
3: Reducing the need to lie is a the path forward
When a kid lies, our instinct might be to respond with consequences, thinking that punishment will teach honesty. But for PDA kids, this often backfires, increasing their anxiety and reinforcing the belief that telling the truth isn’t safe. It’s a lot more helpful to pause and get curious: What demand are they trying to avoid? What about this situation feels overwhelming? Focusing on meeting the need shows our kids that they don’t have to lie to protect themselves. Over time, this builds trust and creates the kind of emotional safety where honesty becomes possible.
About Lindsay:
A therapist of over 10 years, a neurodivergent mom to a (seemingly) neurotypical 7-year-old and a PDA 9-year-old, and the wife to a late-diagnosed PDA husband.
I spent years trying to get professionals to listen to me and understand that something was different about our son. He was irritable and inflexible in a way I’d never seen in other kids. It didn’t matter how much I incentivized him or held boundaries. He would never comply with even simple requests. I honestly wondered how I could have wanted to be a mom so badly and be so terrible at it.
It wasn’t until our son was diagnosed as autistic at age 7, and then we stumbled across PDA, that things started to make sense.
My kid wasn’t a bad kid. I wasn’t a bad mom. He had an incredibly vulnerable nervous system that was sent into fight or flight anytime he felt below other people or like his freedom was in jeopardy. It also explains why traditional parenting often leaves PDA parents feeling hopeless and like they’re a failure.
As with most things in life, there’s no magic wand. But I know there is peace, joy, and happiness on the other side of supporting our unique kids in a way that honors them as humans and says to them that we love them… just as they are.
Learn more about Lindsay and her Connection Collective here: https://www.hiveparents.com/
PDA North America is a 501(c)(3) non-profit organization that has supports and resources for Pathological Demand Avoidance/ Pervasive Drive for Autonomy. We provide resources for families, professionals and PDA individuals. Please consider a donation to allow us to better support PDA individuals.
